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How does trauma affect your love in a relationship?

We all have this fantasy, that we can find a healthy relationship. To be fall in love, and be loved back. To find someone we can be very compatible with, someone who we can share our deepest secrets, yet not be judge.  Get to know each other, enjoying each other’s company, excited to be with one another at the end of the day. Live happily ever after. I have seen couples that seem to be that way, but later I find out It was not always that way. Realistically, it takes a lot of work, hardship and more work to stay in a relationship. What if we suffered a painful or violent relationship? Now it is affecting your way of life, your children, now what kind of a decision will you be making? What if you have sub-consciously attracted another abusive relationship?

Whether the trauma was physical, sexual, or emotional, the impact can show up in a host of relationship issues. Survivors often believe deep down that they can’t trust anyone. Intimacy is dangerous, and for them, a real loving attachment is an impossible dream. Many tell themselves they are flawed, not good enough, and unworthy of love. I was always told “I was broken”. I felt like “yes, that is so so true.” How can I be fixed? Am I doomed?

Living through traumatic events can result in expectations of danger within new or old relationships. Survivors may feel vulnerable and confused about what is safe, and therefore it may be not easy to trust others, even those they trusted in the past. Trauma could also bring an illness called “Co-dependent”.

Your most passionate relationship might be a trauma bonding, what is this?

A trauma bond is essentially the process through which you begin to confuse abusive behavior for love. I remember I had a client that was from another country and was taught that if the man did not “hit” you, he did not love you”.

It took some time to explain, but that here in the United States there are laws that protects people, men or women from violence against each other. Also I explained how dangerous that type of thinking would be for her female daughters. Took some work, but now my client is married and in a non-violent relationship.

Trauma bounding is similar to Stockholm Syndrome, in which a person is held captive and starts having feelings of trust or affection for the person who has captured them and held that person against their will. This kind of survival strategy survival can also occur in a relationship called Trauma Bonding; it can occur when a person is in a relationship with a narcissist.  A person, with exaggerated feeling of self-importance, lacks empathy, arrogant behavior and sense of entitlement. WOW! Does’ this sound like an on of my ex’s or what!

Your close relationships, and especially your partner, should be a positive addition in your life. Of course, there will be times, you are  going to argue with your partner. You’re never going to be completely happy with him or her all of the time. Still, your interactions with them should generally be more  positive and should not leave you in an emotional, mental or fragile crisis, feeling worthless or depressed or scared for your safety.

Trauma bonding isn’t loved. Many other dark things have been combined with love but not love itself.

To heal from a trauma bond, you may need to find professional help. You will most possibly need to cut off contact with that abusive person, focus instead on resolving the existing issues in your life. Get help , if you feel you cannot live without that person. You could be suffering from Co-Dependency, number one symptom…Denial

Determine what attracts you to them in the first place, find the reason why your relationship bond didn’t work, point out the red flags that you’d like to be aware of in the future. Address any sub-conscious issues about your love that you might not realize you should have. For example, if you had an upset parent, you could face neglect with ideal love. Sometimes this came from unstable parenting.

Children whose families do not provide consistent safety, comfort, and protection may develop coping methods that allow them to survive and function from day today. They may be overly sensitive to others’ moods, always watching to solve what the elders near them are feeling and how actually they will behave to others.

Can you find a healthy relationship? Yes… you will mentally and emotionally know when you are ready. Do not loose hope. I felt healed enough to find my happily ever after. I know that you can too. Healing IS possible. May God Bless!