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Has This Pandemic Caused Trauma?

It is more like how has this pandemic caused trauma? It has inflicted an illness, first of all, that has killed many people who the virus has touched. It removed people from their livelihood and many have become homeless. It is almost like that movie, “Outbreak.” To scare us even more, it was listed on Netflix and we watched it.  There, like here we saw people lose their loved ones. Just like today, and right now.

We could go on and on about how it has affected all of us. I wanted to focus on how it made us change. Emotionally, physically, and mentally.

I feel bad for those who are now homeless, living out in the open, under cold tents in this winter weather. Children who are cold, because mom and dad cannot handle the finances due to been laid off from work. Many things are mainly political, but these things are happening and been dealt with by those who do not realize or care how cold it is outside with only a thin blanket on them.

How about the $600.00 dollars stimuli check? Thank you for that, it did come in handy, I did not feel it come into my account. Why, because it only paid for my butane tank for cooking and heating and it didn’t cover the whole bill, I needed more.

We were thankful of course, but other nations received more than we did, of own taxes, did anyone think of that? Do we have control of where our taxes go? No.

This trauma will stay with us for a lifetime. Those experiencing this at this moment will never forget the chaos, the protesting, and its causes into the businesses due to the riots and looting of the local town businesses.

No work, little money, dreading the limit, and the end of the “eviction temporary law.” Now that it has been extended to March 15th. What then? The problem still will exist?

The government has found two vaccines, that the FDA has approved Pfizer and Moderna, but as I understood it, is going to take two doses of it after six months because it only lasts 21 to 28 days each shot for protection, Maybe, they are not sure if it will keep you from getting the virus. But symptoms might now not be as serious.

But it will take until December 31st, to contain eighty percent of the people in the united states. If eighty percent of people are safe, then the government will think of placing the country back into the environment. That’s still some time away.

It will still take much more time for the economy to get back on its feet. Today, I am really surprised the Market games are doing well. They are surviving. Is that good? I assume so? Can this pandemic cause trauma? It could, let’s not let it. Let’s not be part of the negativity of it.

This pandemic will shape our psychology for many years to come and for right now has affected many of us, of all ages, gender, and walks of life throughout the globe. Can you believe this? The globe as a whole. We can go on and on, but let’s change this negative thought. In which way has it made some positive changes?

What can we add, toward a more positive aspect of this pandemic that we have been placed in? What can we say that is positive? let’s see.

  • Our attitude is better, we could say, just like our children miss their friends, so do we adults. But they are only a phone call away. we all miss our friends and appreciate them more. Let’s give them a call.
  • Some of us lucky ones are working from home now, we don’t need babysitters, (maybe) moms and dads can handle multiple tasks with each other’s help.
  • This pandemic has given families the opportunity to better dissector to better create family togetherness, healthier entertainment, and a more loving environment.
  • People have greater use of information and knowledge thru the internet.
  • We have learned to use video technology face to face communication.
  • We/I do not miss the hassle of the everyday traffic and rush to get to a meeting.
  • We have also increased our concern for our health, we take our vitamins with more consistency now.
  • Our family’s health concerns us as well.
  • People are more concerned about others losing their businesses. We are starting to care about others.
  • Our kids are using lab tops and learning more technology as well.
  • We sometimes talk to other adults thru videos for more ideas.
  • Join groups online.
  • Family nights, family movies. Date night, kids fix candle lite dinner for mom and dad. (If old enough) (how sweet!)

These are just some of the positive things I could come up with or hear about. I am sure you could have more. Because we are going to have more time for this pandemic, we will have to have more patience with ourselves, our children, and others whose lives we touch, through Video.

This too shall pass. Soon I pray.

Many blessings to you. Please stay positive and healthy. May God bless.

 

 

 

 

 

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Cycle of Trauma

The cycle of trauma? What are we talking about here? Do we keep recycling our traumas to our children? How are we supposedly doing this?  When we are stressing about something like our car broke down, now we have no transportation to get to and from work, and just the other day, my washing machine broke down too. Where is the money going to come from if I can’t get myself to work? If I am missing work, how am I supposed to get the car fixed? Where is the money going to come from? The cycle of problems too.

Well, if I am too upset, who is paying attention to the children? what are they experiencing with mom been all upset about the money for the car, upset because of the money for the washing machine, what are the children experiencing and what kind of an example is mom right now?

Mom is losing it and what are the children learning, that when they are adults, they will get stressed out about the financial part as well and get ill or get a better paying job. Mom is taking a drink to calm her nerves. Drugs or alcohol.

As adults, we get stressed, which interrupts our time and the needs of the children, if this stressful situation is ongoing, it interferes with the development of the children. The children as adults will reduce their ability to deal with stress. Which could mean, it can affect the development of their children (and the beat goes on and on).

Sometimes, we are just so busy with our own personal problems, we react in a manner where we are just self-involved with our problems, and unfortunately, our children are not always our first priority. Our stressors are because, honestly, they are causing us pain right now which makes us painfully aware of our lack of peace of mind.

Limited coping skills could be a genetic part inherited from our parents. Could that be the case with our children? Are we going to affect our grandchildren too? We are not responding to our stress appropriately. Psychotherapists are there to help us with handling our stress levels and teach our children to better cope with stressors of life.

  • Breathing should help and have the children join you in the breathing exercise. For example, take a deep breath, count to the count of 6 in your mind. Blow out, like your blowing out your birthday candles. Repeat as needed.
  • Children need to hear positive things from you.
  • Say, “Sometimes, when I am feeling sad, just thinking of you makes me feel better.”
  • Smile, this too shall pass.
  • Think of a happy song, or an upbeat song and sing it.

Let’s try to relax, with another breathing exercise to relieve tension. Sit in a comfortable chair, your feet on the floor and your hand laid loosely on your thighs, palms up.

  • Now close your eyes. Breath in.
  • Gently blow out all the air in your lungs.
  • Slowly inhale while counting to 6.
  • Allow your abdomen to expand while you breathe in
  • Breathe out,
  • Now breathe normally for a minute
  • Repeat until you feel your tension subside.

Every thought you think and every word you speak, is being responded to, and to the point of this power is in this moment. The thoughts you are thinking and the words you are saying at this moment are creating your future. Try keeping things on a positive note, if not for you, for your children and your children’s children, for they are our future.

Many blessings to you and the children.

 

 

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What is Bonding Abuse Trauma?

Trauma abuse bonding is a connection between someone who has been abusing an individual, like a predator, or child abuser? Sometimes, yet, not always. It is like when you are at a nightclub with someone you just met, dancing and having a good time, then he says, “do you want to go somewhere to eat? We’ll go in my car, I promise to bring you right back,” and you have just been kidnaped, or he has forced himself on you and taken you to his dwelling and forced you to stay.

He is sexually abusing you and he said he is not going to let you go until you say, “you love him.” He beats you; he rapes you and does what he wants with you. Then he washes you down gently, with clean warm soapy water, and says he hopes he “didn’t hurt you too much” then asks, “are you hungry?” and says, “I want you to stay with me and be my wife.”

When that person does as their told and is rewarded with kindness. The person kidnaped then, is just trying to survive the situation. He talks to her and they get acquainted. A bonding begins. He tells his story and how he was abandoned at the age of three and went knocking at neighbor’s houses for food. Now you start having feelings for him.

Stockholm syndrome is a specific kind of trauma bond, it refers to someone captive and developing positive feelings for their captors. Controlling the kidnaped by force and kindness.

If you think he’s just misunderstood, and may actually be a nice person who you think you could help, you are suffering from what they call, Stockholm syndrome.

Human form attachments is a means of survival. The feeling of attachment can be contributed to a trauma bond, as a pattern of abuse and “I hope I did not hurt you too badly.” Adults form attachments to others who provide comfort after abuse. This is an unhealthy attachment.

Things like this happen in many other countries regularly. This was one of the ways my mother met her first husband. My mom was 13 years old. My mom was walking home with another friend when suddenly a man on a horse picked her up like a rag doll and rode off with her.  Someone killed her husband when she was 15 years old. That’s a story she told all of her daughters. I have never forgotten that story. Scary…

Grateful behavior may also cause further bonding because he could have really hurt me, a captive person could become accustomed to the violent treatment and feels it is a small price to pay for a kindness. During this time of the abuse, a captive person could say, yes, I deserved the abuse.

  • “I made him angry”, “it’s my fault”
  • “He acts that way because he loves me so much.”
  • “He’s under a lot of pressure”
  • “I can’t leave him; he is the love of my life.
  • “But I love him.”
  • I mentioned earlier in my writings, that I had a client that believed,” If he does not hit me, it is because he does not love me.”
  • Beliefs there is no escape

Breaking the trauma bond will be very difficult and may take some time.  This person may still feel that love, and loyalty. Even if that person leaves the abuser they will be tempted to return because they believe that is real love, they have been so deeply conditioned. It will feel like an addiction or a need to be with that abuser. Again, it will feel like an addiction, a need, a desire, confused with love.

Safety planning:

This safety plan will have to be planned very carefully, once the captive person has had enough, and that time will come. All in good time. Especially, if there are children involved. It will have to be very carefully planned. You will need someone to help with the resources. Car, shelter, protection from the abuser. Call someone you trust. Only you know how the abuser will react if caught. Call the National Domestic violence hotline, open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. At 1800 799 7233. They will be able to help and answer all your questions. Or call 911. I will send the Divine white light for protection and courage to you. Many blessings and God Bless.

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Trauma and Personality Disorders

Of all the mental disorders, those with more than one diagnosis of personality disorder, those suffering from this mental disorder are harder to treat. It takes a special skill that is needed to try to makes changes that will help those suffering from a personality disorder. Sometimes, people suffering from personality disorders, cannot see the disease.

If people suffering from a personality disorder, get off their medication, the symptoms get worse, and they are mainly more disruptive on themselves than on others. People suffering from this mental health disease will let you know how they feel about you. You will start questioning yourself.

Sometimes, people suffering from a personality disorder, love you and sometimes they hate you, all in the same breath.

They have skills that they could use in a working setting or certain areas of life. One client could write many pages about her sessions with me while adding more written information that was helpful for me to understand where she was coming from. Her writing skills were amazing. This client stated she did not take writing lessons, this was just what she learned in high school.

Very interesting how the brain trained itself to manage its environment as children. The following are some self-imaging of how people suffering from personality disorders feel.

  • They have a hard time controlling their emotions
  • People with a personality disorder have a hard time with gray areas, it is either black or white.
  • People with this disorder, have an unstable sense of who they are.
  • Destructive behavior/self-injury.
  • Feeling of hating themselves.
  • Feelings of paranoia, “someone is talking negatively about me.”
  • Sometimes has intense anger and difficulty controlling emotional impulses.
  • Emotional anger, violence, or escalating into physical fights.
  • Bouts of Depression.
  • Suicidal behavior.

I had a client who at the start of a weekend would say “I want to kill myself,” That was like 10 until 5:00 pm on a Friday. Every Friday. We’d have to get the person on call to stay with him. The client was lonely and did not want to be by themselves for the weekend.

You just might have someone in the family who suffers from a personality disorder or someone who “used to be a friend.” They are very hard to maintain as a friend. Have you heard of the saying “with a friend like this, you don’t need enemies”?  Personality disorders people could be the reason. They act like a “goodie two shoes” and judge you, like you are in the wrong, or avoid you like you’re a plague.

Some of the personality disorder symptoms are unpredictable behavior. For example:

  • People with a personality disorder will be suspicious of almost everything, letters, a look.
  • People talking about them, they don’t like me.
  • Because of a glance.
  • Their self-image, their sense of self, will change rapidly.
  • Lack of focus and sometimes about of energy.
  • This disease may cause people with a personality disorder to self-medicate. Drugs and/or alcohol. (harder to treat).
  • People with a personality disorder may be into harming themselves or cutting themselves, sometimes just to get someone’s attention. As in “Fatal attraction” the movie.
  • Unable to sleep or sleep during the day and up at night.
  • People who suffer from personality disorders, suffer many painful physical ailments, sometimes brought on by themselves, like aches and pain, fatigue, and weight gain which could cause more serious physical illnesses.

Once you can understand them, maybe you will be able to tolerate her. There are more women with personality disorders. Even though men have personality disorders too, it mainly affects women.

If people who suffer from personality disorders get treatment, taking medication will help. Once they decide to take medication the disease will help immensely. You might not recognize them once the medication is balanced depending on what medication they are taking ad how long the regimen is. I would say about 3 months is normal. Medications have to go to the brain and that takes time.

Many blessings to all those involved in these circumstances.

 

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Trauma from Emotional Agony

How will I know if I am in agony? Sounds like depression to me. Sounds like something happened like “I lost my job,” I am getting a divorce, I am pregnant and the father does not care about the baby, my house burned down, no insurance of any kind. This leads to trauma and emotional agony.

So many difficult problems in this world that could place you in turmoil. Where to go from here?

In today’s world, there are so many things that can affect us, even everyday things, the car did want to turn on this morning, had to call work can’t come in, need to fix the car by tomorrow, in order to go to work, to pay rent and bills. No work, no money, no money, no food, no roof over my head. If I go on, I could have a heart attack!

I feel overwhelmed, all this, and all this so early in the morning, can things get any worse? (oops, should not have said that to the universe), Well, might as well do a couple of loads of laundry, this will help me catch up with a little of my chores. Why is there still water in my washer? Lost it! “Hi mom, why are you home?”

Who does not feel “rage” at this point? Uncontrollable rage. This is the part when someone, bigger than you, needs to come in and hold you down or sit on you until your energy is exhausted. Do you feel better? No, now your overly overwhelmed by guilt, intense shame, and you hate yourself.

You may think you are just reacting to your car, now your washing machine, and everything cost money, that you really don’t have. Life is so unfair.

I believe we have all been there or have been so close to feeling like this. Have you ever had a day like this?

Have you ever asked yourself, “Am I having some sort of mental breakdown?” If you must ask yourself this question, then you are still sane enough to ask yourself this question.

In other words, a person going crazy, would not ask themselves this question.

A crazy person or an insane person would not be asking the question. They would be blaming someone else or would not know or acknowledge that they “maybe” were insane or going crazy.

This could be called “emotional agony” you could consider it like being an onset of a mental illness. Have you heard that lots of things are considered to cause cancer? The same with mental health concerns. It could be a mental illness but it could just be symptoms of life’s struggle.

Some people may feel some negative emotions like sadness, where am I going to get money to pay for my car to get it fixed? Now my washing machine is not working, can I afford to have someone come and look at it?

I will have a co-worker come and pick me up for work, take the bus, something. I am embarrassed to ask. Will they think I am an incapable person? But I have to do something in order to get to work

Now you are trying to solve your problems, that’s a good sign. So, you call a co-worker and they said yes, but only until you get your car out of the shop. That will work for right now.

Things are looking up. But if you are feeling like you need help, please do not hesitate to get professional help. Join a support group. Especially, if you are feeling depressed or overwhelmed still.

There are many resources to help, you just have to look in your community. Ask those at the support group, they know what you are going through.

Here are some pointers if you need to evaluate yourself, just be honest with yourself.

No one will know except you.

  • Am I feeling paranoid and believe that someone is making this happen in my life?
  • Am I so depressed that it is affecting my daily routine?
  • I want to be left alone, don’t want to talk to friends or relatives.
  • One moment I am OK, the next moment I am crying for no reason.
  • I am gaining weight, which makes me more depressed. Overeating.
  • I am not sleeping well; I wake up worrying about my bills and problems.

If you are irritable frequently, get someone to talk to that you trust. Get an appointment with a therapist. Talk to a counselor or mental health professional who knows about emotional agony, emotions that you can work with to help yourself.

  • Aromatherapy.
  • Meditations, breathing exercises.
  • Try yoga, exercises, dancing, running in place.
  • Finding a running friend, it is not safe to run alone.
  • Writing down your feelings.
  • Please do not use alcohol or drugs, they only make things worse

Remember that you are not alone. Who knows? At the support group, you just meet someone who knows how to fix the washing machine. You will never know unless you get up, get out, and try. May our Creator, give you prosperity and health.

Many blessings to you.

 

 

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Flashbacks of Trauma

Have you ever had flashbacks from terrible events or a traumatic event that happened to you in the past? Even as a child, but now you are an adult? Or as an adult, the flashbacks just keep you almost paralyzed as if you were re-living the entire tragic event again.It’s a trembling cold experience. As if it happens all over again. How do you stop it? You wake up and you finally realize it is not happening, even so, your heart is racing.  It is scary. You’re breathing heavily.  It is a great feeling when you realize it was a flashback. I wish it would stop!

 

A flashback can be controlled with hypnosis, relaxing, and getting something, like a stone, an aroma, keeping something in your hand to touch as you start to feel a flashback starting to come into your space. It affects your mind because it is a memory.  That is why I suggested hypnotherapy.

  • Telling yourself that you are now safe, the traumatic event is over, you are now safe and in a safe place.
  • Look all around you and memorize a certain picture frame, furniture, the color of your drapes, in your living room or bedroom.
  • Tell yourself, that when you see these things, depending on where you are “you are safe.”.
  • Using something you can touch as a grounding tool. Especially if you are not at home.
  • If going out of your home take someone you trust with you. Your friend, a significant other who knows what you went through.
  • Ask for help, professional help is best.

Carry something in your hand, your pocket, around your wrist to bring you back again and feel safe. You can also use your senses to bring you back. You look around you until your senses tell you where you are, as you look around you will see something familiar, or know just where you are at and tell yourself you are safe.

All this will become easier and easier and the flashback will ease or will only last a couple of seconds and then they will disappear altogether.

It becomes easier if you get professional help. Here are some of my own tips and that worked for me.

  • Identify your triggers. When I smelled cigarettes smoke, when I passed by someone smoking, was a trigger.
  • Talk to yourself, letting yourself, know that you are safe.
  • Take deep breaths.
  • Do not get upset with yourself. Or feel embarrassed.
  • Carry peppermint candy or something smelling like peppermint. This smell is very soothing.
  • Get professional help.

Remember the old saying” If at first, you don’t succeed, “Try try again.” It doesn’t mean beat yourself up, and try the same old way again…It means recognizing your error and try again another way until you get it and do it the correct way. Right?

We sometimes do not accept the idea that we “don’t deserve” to be well, happy, joyous. There is an inexhaustible supply in the universe. Our own belief in lack and limitation is the only thing that is limiting us.

What belief is limiting you?

You are not alone. You may feel alone, but you are not. Join a support group and then you will see how many of us are survivors. Of all that we are going through. Please, get help. Join others who have survived our traumas and have moved on to help others survive their pain and sufferings.

May our higher source, give you courage and strength, to get healing because it’s necessary in order to be a survivor to get above all of your pain. God bless.

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Blocking Trauma

Sometimes, we just don’t feel like dealing with some stuff in life and ignore things. Like having to do laundry, a project that will take time to start and finish, and so you are waiting for the right time to start it. You put it off until you have like a couple of extra days or extra hours.

When does anyone have that kind of time?

I am a busy person, so I have to make time if I am to use that much time. So I avoid making that kind of time. If I wait, I will not work on my project and I will not have that kind of time until I retire.

Avoiding is what many of us do best. It is just going to take up our energy, planning, and whatever else it takes right?

How about dealing with what hurts us?

That is even a worse and more painful emotional ordeal, that we have to deal with. So sometimes, we pretend the pain is not there. Which, is really worse.

Blocking Trauma

So we block it. You really have to be a very strong person to pretend something did not happen. Like an assault, rape, violence, or something so hurtful, it is hard not to feel the pain or the suffering.

Some people start taking pain killers, some take street drugs, meth, ecstasy, cocaine, alcohol, weed, or pot takes a lot more marijuana to kill pain, but if combined with other drugs, that could help too.

Some people use food. Food is a very good source of feeling another kind of emotion that covers up the underlying emotion. This makes you have a calming, numbing, and relaxing feeling, which, it makes you feel free from the pain from past trauma.

What happens is the brain will adjust to the feeling, so that it will become necessary to eat in order to avoid the pain and suffering. Because it feels good to your taste buds, fills you up with the eating and tasting, and produces hormonal responses that fill you with a warm sense of feeling love, protection, and security.

This avoidance of blocking the pain is only temporary.

Throwing yourself into your job, to avoid dealing with the pain and suffering of the traumatic event, is good, but again this is only temporary. You may think this is working and you are beginning to feel like all is going well.

But you are not getting a good night’s sleep.

Sleep is very important for anyone’s life. You were having trouble falling asleep, now, you are awakened by nightmares or flashbacks, even at work, while you are busy and not thinking about the traumatic event. Along with flashbacks, you are having intrusive thoughts, they come out of nowhere. You may ask yourself, “What is going on?”

 Are We Listening to Our Bodies?

You may think you are doing well, but remember your body and mind remember what you have been going through. That means they want to be healed by all this; they want your attention to this situation. Left unattended, it will soon affect your health. It will start with something little like a headache, bellyache, slight pain in your chest, bladder infections, and the symptoms may go away, only to come back and stay longer.

If you go see a doctor, he will come up with his own conclusion of what’s happing to you and will try to cover up the problem with medications that come with less than desirable side effects.

Would you believe your body is trying to tell you something? Do we listen?

Make up your mind, to the point of being as courageous as you can be. You are setting a goal to live each day in the real world. It will help you set a goal to live each day in a direction of reality. This will help you make specific choices of recovery. To recover, you should also know that you are not alone.

It is important that you understand that your healing is going to probably be a difficult one.  Seek the help of others. You will probably not be able to overcome these paralyzing feelings without the help and support of others.

One of the most common characteristics of a person who has experienced emotional injury is to have the tendency to be left “alone”.  This is the depression talking. It is very important, that we recover to a healthy life, a healthy us, a healthy you.

It is vital for you to find a good counselor or someone who will treat you with emotional safety and will encourage you and understand you when you fail. Someone who has experience with trauma and its effects.

It has become a rule for me, that we can not do all this on our own. We need each other as survivors, including our Creator as we believe in, our higher selves, our spirit guides, our angels. We need a purpose to live.

Once you have reached your goal, teach someone who would like help in healing as well. Reach out to others who are suffering as you were. Give yourself a purpose.

Many blessings to you. May God give you courage and strength.

 

 

 

 

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Listen to Your Body

 

Sometimes, we want to forget about some things that we did in the past or something someone did to us, which gives us shame and guilt. How would you do that? Things we do not want to remember, pop up at times, just by talking about any particular subject and your memory jumps to it as if you accidentally pressed a wrong key on the computer and another subject matter comes up.

Particularly, if it was something you don’t want to remember about. Something you don’t want to remember in the first place. Especially if it has to do with trauma.

If something happened to you that you did not plan out as you wanted it to, and turned violent, disturbing to you. What do we learn from that? You missed judged your situation, You cannot trust yourself to make good judgments? You live in a world you no longer trust or believe in?

When you are thinking about all this, did you feel pain somewhere? You’re stomached? You started to get a headache,  bad breath, your body started to get chills, your heart started to race, or do flips flops. What is your body trying to tell you?

If you are about to give a speech in front of many people, wouldn’t your stomach tell you your nervous? it would feel funny, make noises, that tells you your hungry, maybe, you just need to make a potty stop. Those are just some ideas that we automatically make.

We are familiar with some of the signals we receive from our bodies. What would you do if you received a signal from your body more often than usual? Could say “where is that coming from? It’s on this spot, by the… you just might go to the doctor and give yourself a “peace of mind” check-up.

But you just might be diagnosed with something only the doctor could guess of what it could be. I started taking a new vitamin for my heart and it was affecting my energy, I started to get diarrhea, as well, I stopped eating some foods that I thought were causing the diarrheic effect. I had to try everything I had taken within that week.

Finally, I realized it was a new vitamin that I had started taking, it was too strong, so I cut back and that helped. It turns out that is what it was.  Knowing your body is very important. Sometimes, as well-meaning, as your doctor is, he could give you something that will have a long list of side effects, and find out by doing your own investigating is the best.

YOUR BODY IS TRYING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING!

  • Awareness is the first step to stop trauma blocking and pain.
  • Ignoring negative impacts in your life.
  • Finding comfort in food – weight gain. Why am I gaining weight?
  • Why did I attract Cancer, dietetic, this illness, or that illness?
  • Create a wellness plan, where will I start?
  • Find a way to stay emotionally healthy (meditation, yoga, exercise, or dance.)
  • If you can afford it, get professional help.
  • Search for information on the internet, read stories about other survivors.
  • First of all, and very important – Join a support group.
  • GET HELP!

All this is not going to be easy. You have gotten into some unhealthy habits and it will take time to change for the best and to heal from your body’s disruptive way of managing itself. Please give it time to heal.

You have separated your body parts from feeling altogether. Take your time to listen to your body. If you get a “gut” feeling about something, 85 percent of the time, you are right.

Get to know yourself, and don’t say “this is the way I am” because we can all change ourselves for our higher best. That saying is just for people who don’t want to do anything better for themselves. Of course, you do have a choice, stay sick and tired, or go out and do something productive with your life. Start gardening, ground yourself to the earth, by playing with the dirt itself. You will start the healing process. God bless.

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Does Yelling Affect Our Children Later in Life?

Who has not yelled at their kids? Does Yelling Affect Our Children later in Life? Raise your hands! I know I have. Does this traumatize your children? According to ACEs (adverse childhood experiences), it does. When my children were little, I’d yell and they would start crying. You would think I slapped them or something…

Do you remember when your mom yelled at you? I do.

I knew I was in trouble. My mom did not have the patience to yell. She would grab us by the hair and used our hair as a steering wheel and directed us to what she wanted us to do. My poor mom had way too many kids. Starting with me, to the 7 youngest. Taking care of the kids was everybody’s responsibility. Anyway, if moms yelled at their kids, they would cry even more. I have heard moms yelling at their kids all the time. In fact, I experimented.

One of my kids asked, “Mom, why are you always yelling at us?” O answered, “Because you guys don’t do as I ask if I don’t yell.” Sure enough, I had done laundry, and I asked the kids to come and put their clothes away. They were playing video games on the T.V., I thought they had not heard me.

I went into their room and asked them to get their clothes and to put them away. “In a minute, mom”.

30 minutes later, they were not in the laundry room to get their clothes. So, I had to yell at them. Did they come? Yes, they came running in.

I explained to them, “See how yelling works? Just talking to you kids doesn’t work.”  I probably got them used to me yelling at them. How sad was that?

What happens when you are yelling all the time?

Children will think you just don’t love them. Your kids will believe that you are mad at them all the time. “What did I do wrong, now?” I believe, children will get used to you yelling at them and it will be just another form of communication. Right?

I had a client who talked like she was yelling all the time or in a tone of voice like she was frustrated with you. When she came to me for another problem, I thought she was upset at me for something she did not apricate me saying to her. But as I started to understand her better, that was just her normal tone of voice.

My client complained about her co-workers not liking her. I could understand now what the problem was.  It was her tone of voice, as she appeared to be a very unhappy lady. Her children got the blunt of her angry, unsatisfied-with-life tone of voice. In our sessions, she’d use that tone of voice with me too.

We practiced changing that. Now she is more conscious of that tone and makes more of an effort to make audible adjustments. She said when she sees me, it triggers her to check in on herself. But I said to start with her children and her husband instead and had her husband remind her.   She didn’t like the way he’d correct her, so that did not always work. It was a look he’d give her, that worked.

Research has said that parental discipline, like yelling, can have a bigger impact on kids than we believe. We could be creating more emotional issues in the long run. If we start yelling at our kids it might make our kid’s behavior even worse. Sometimes it makes you think you have to yell more just to try to correct it. And the cycle continues.

Now, your kids start talking like their parent’s talk, using a harsh tone of voice and yelling at each other. You try to stop them, but they learned it from you. Now they have that bad and ugly habit. How are you going to change that? You have to be the example and admit you were wrong in talking/communicating with them in this way in the first place. Yes, it is your fault.

Children feel hurt, scared, or sad when their parents yell at them. This verbal abuse had the ability to cause deeper psychological issues that they carry into adulthood.

Yelling has the same symptoms as traumatic incidents. As adults, they could develop illness, depression, anxiety, and other symptoms that can lead to worsening behavior, destructive actions, like drug use, or bad choices in picking destructive relationships.

Our children are very special to very many of us. If you have been yelling at your children the change can happen. Especially if you know that your child can be traumatized and ill effects will be suffered in adulthood.

If you are suffering from anxiety and depression yourself, please get help. Sometimes, we hurt those we love the most. Talk to someone you trust or a mental health professional.

Try to ease your stress by listening to some positive relaxing music, take a break from your hectic environment. Have your husband fix dinner, have someone responsible watch the children for a few hours. Do what you must to relax and stop yelling at the children. Prayer, meditation, yoga, whatever it takes to keep children healthy.

God Bless you and give you courage and strength.

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Military, Children and Trauma

You might not need to imagine the stresses the children of military people go through.  It must be very devastating, the pain and worry they go through. I can only go by my relative’s painful stories. My sister, who died of cancer and a broken heart, had a son who went into the military just after high school. That was just about the time war broke out in Iran/Iraq.

My nephew and his cousin decided to enlist together. They were shipped out to Afghanistan. I can just imagine, what my poor sister was going through. Worried about her son. I remember my nephew saying, when he was in battle, it was like killing his own relatives. Some of them looked like they were his brother, Chuy, and his uncle, Isidro. This pretty much traumatized, my nephew.  “It felt like I was killing my own family.”

My nephew is now severely traumatized from his experiences in combat. My other nephew never made it back home. He was killed in combat.

I also worked with a co-worker who was in the military as well, I was to review, him, but meanwhile, he had to be deployed to war in Iraq, as well. He ran the facility like the military. He was a supervisor of a cleaning crew for our facility, using a whistle he’d gather up the crew, made up by some of our clients, part of a work-for-pay program used for experience in preparing them for work and a resume.

 

He controlled everyone with a whistle, “I want everyone here by 1600 hours”. He always used military time. When he left, I saw his itinerary that he had left behind and written it down for me.

He wrote down an hour-by-hour plan for his family at home as well. I could not believe he ran his home and his kids the same way as a military camp,  I wonder, how that worked out for him? He had four children and was in the process of adopting a black child. Secretly, I always worried about his adopted child.

Last I heard, my coworker, made it home safely, but he had a mental breakdown. But they saved his job for him. If he ever recovered, his job would be waiting for him.

Military children, sounded like they have it worse. They are constantly moving, leaving friends and relatives behind. Especially when dad has to go to other areas of the world. I had a girlfriend whose father was an important Army soldier and they had him move to Spain. She was born there and had dual citizenship.

When she came back into the United States, and ready to retire, she had to hire a lawyer, just to get her retirement, to get proof of her citizenship. Dad too ran the family like the military camp.

My friend told me stories, how dad did not want her to date others from those countries. She said she left the family at age 16 and came back to the states. She had a hard time getting information to prove her dad was assigned to Spain and was born there, but mom and dad were U.S. citizens.

How does all this affect the children?

Some want to follow in their parent’s footsteps. Others have a different idea of family happiness and do not want to do what their fathers did.  Worry the family like that.

It is hard enough if there is a war, but to move and leave all the friends and family. Statistics show that some of the family kids, especially the males in the family, become drug addicts or alcoholics. The trauma becomes too much.

Does the military teach you to speak with love?

How does it teach you, how to speak to your child, wife, people in general? I don’t think so.  There are harsh rules and regulations you should not bring home.

  • Military only- teach men and women, to become a person who has to survive if you are at war.
  • Military education and training- a process that intends to establish and improve military roles.
  • Recruit training, which makes use of various conditioning techniques.
  • To re-socialize trainees into the military system,
  • Ensure that they will obey all orders without hesitation.
  • Teach basic military skills.

Do these sound like family orientation roles?

Why, then do family men and women, believe a home should be run like this?

Because the military ingrains these rules into our men and women, so intensively, that it has to become an everyday regimen to survive a crisis for war. Understandably. But what does it have to do with having to raise a loving family? Two completely different roles.

Some military men and women get it, some don’t.

Of some of the clients I see, they share common characteristics.

You think that by now there would be help for fathers and mothers to get briefed by a physiologist or receive some form of family counseling before going home and re-trained for civilization outside the military life.

May God protect us at all times. With or without war times. May God forbid.