When we as women fall in love with some who we think will treat us with gentle love. But when we decide to live with them there is a change in them. They take off the lamb’s disguise and show their real wolf character’s teeth. They are desperate or needed a place to live or someone to really have their way with. Some men love to conquer. Especially if they are in the need of companionship.
As women, we were raised to take care of others. Place others first. Maybe not anymore, but in my day. In the Mexican culture men were fed first then the children were fed and the women who helped in the kitchen sat and ate. As older women, we still serve our men first. Now, of course, we all sit together around the table as a family. It’s nice for all of us to eat together.
Especially if you can take the kids off the computers or T. V. video games. There are other cultures likewise the same. In my culture, men were given a special place. Thus, “Mama’s Boy”. Or more respect, because they were men. Back in the day, they were the ones that were going to make the money for the family.
If the dad beat the mom, you can too, can expect the same treatment, after the honeymoon is over. I remember a story I was told about a bride who made herself a beautiful wedding dress, It was so beautiful, many of her friends admired it.
On her wedding day, and after the wedding, both couples went into their wedding suite and the groom could no longer wait for his bride to get undressed.
The groom ripped her beautiful wedding dress off and raped her. He was not gentle with her, she stated. He raped her again and again. Back in the day, women were like property. This happened a long time ago.
She told us that story and she said she took her torn-up wedding dress and made a wedding dress out of the same wedding dress material for a doll she adored. kept that doll dressed like that until the day she died. This lady would fantasize and change that night in her dreams. Gave that doll to her niece to remember her bye.
What makes someone an abuser? They blame others for their own feelings. “you make me mad.” It’s your fault, I hit you”. We grow up with the change in our daily lives, every day since we were young. We missed the bus, who was going to take us to school, we did not want to miss the bus, now what? We are always ready to make changes; changes are in our everyday life. Can he change?
Can an abuser change? Only if he really wants to change. Many abusers are in angry management classes, but they are mandated by the court. They were given this alternative through the court-go to jail or classes. So, they want to stay out of jail, they pick the alternative, class.
They are there to do the time, not to sincerely feel like there’s a problem. They have been forced to be there. They will go along and say and do whatever it takes, they just want to get back to their normal life.
But you really want this person you love to change his ways, right? But, consciously, it’s like an addiction or like correcting a personality flaw that is harmful to others or themselves. Can they change for the better?
Was there a problem from the start when you met him? Were they Traumatized as a young child or a young boy? What’s behind the violence? They will not change unless they really want to.
For anyone to change they have to admit and take responsibility for what they have done. It is not easy for some men to admit they were wrong. Unless it will keep you from leaving them. It’s a survival skill for them.
I had a husband who would surprise me when we are having a simple conversation like you and I are having right now, then, out of nowhere and suddenly, there was a slap to my face or he’d hit me with his fist. I would ask (later) why? He’d say “I did not agree with what you said.”
Will they admit to being wrong? I have always said that “a man who hits a woman is because he is too stupid to deal with her brain or intellects, so he hits her instead.” Of course, they would prove my point, when I’d say that.
When we as women, start loving ourselves, and we are finally, feeling empowered and in control of the safety of our lives, then, we will be less likely to accept bad behavior from others, let alone from ourselves.
Let us all, become self-aware that we are survivors and no longer victims.
- We learn to love ourselves again.
- We are women of leadership.
- We are self-aware of our worth and our self-esteem.
- We are aware of strength and courage.
- We are love and motherhood.
- We are aware of our empowerment along with our other friend survivors. WE KNOW, WE ARE NOT ALONE.
- We are nurturing, to ourselves, to our children, and others.
- We have beauty, we have respect, and love for ourselves and others.
- Always check in on your self-esteem, once in a while.
Let us find someone who can respect us and agree with us, about all of the above, or learn to take care of ourselves and our children. I promise you will be happier and safer. Have independence, which, feels Great!
Anyone can call these free hotlines, 24 hours a day, every day of the year. Whether you are the recipient of abuse, the perpetrator of abuse, or a third party in need of advice on behalf of someone enduring domestic abuse, you can call anonymously and receive help. The National Domestic Violence Hotline can be reached at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Or the SAMH’s National helping line -1 800-6624357.
“When people are not motivated to engage in changing their behavior,” “they almost always, don’t change.”
Much happiness to you, along with many blessings. Because you are worth it.
My name is Rosa M. Luna and you can find me at RosaMLuna.com