I have heard many stories of parents talking to their kids as adults and finally, our children healing from all the hurt, and pain. It is the most difficult thing a parent can do. Mainly because it is hard to hear what a bad parent you were as your children were growing up. How they did not have a say on who would be permitted to live with us like a bad boyfriend. Who your mom would marry and introduce them to your new husband and the kids had no say in it.
“Another marriage”
I would tell the kids we’d have more income and do more or have more, but like one of my kids would now tell me “mom we had more when we were by ourselves. We were happier too. Another thing my child, now as an adult. “The houses we stay in were dumps when you would get into another marriage.” I back then, did not see that. But now that the kids brought that up, it was true.
Is it hard to hear all this? Yes, but as one parent stated. It’s something, that needs to be done if you love your kids and you want them to heal from all the drama. Talk to one kid at a time.; You don’t want to feel like you are been “held prisoner or everyone is against you.” You just might not feel so regretful. That will be a bad experience as a parent and you will feel like you have to defend yourself.
Now they are adults, they have children too. I ask do they understand more? No. “mom, how could you have spanked us as you did?” It hurts me when I have to discipline my kids.” Do you remember me saying “it’s going to hurt me more than you?” That’s what I meant”.
“Forgive yourself”
Now, that I know better, about how trauma causing diseases and unexpected illnesses, can come about if trauma continues to be unresolved. I feel it is a must for all of us to heal. Including the parent. You will feel better because your child has healed from the past trauma, you feel you have caused them. First of all, “forgive yourself too.” Because your adult kids will heal from this and be better parents themselves.
Here are some followings tips:
- Maintain eye contact.
- Don’t interrupt.
- If allowed, ask questions.
- Listen for the total meaning of what they are trying to explain.
- Avoid counterattacks.
- Try not to justify, their hurt or pain.
- Ask if you can respond. If not, say “OK, I am here to listen.”
- Be respectful.
- Apologize for their hurt.
Apologize for their hurt, even if it was not your fault. Sometimes, if you talk to them in a soft tone, they will respond softly as well. Depending on your response, they could go off on you and if they are not
“If I could go back and change things, I would”.
calming down. Then you, lovingly. say “we can continue on another day, after you have calmed down, I will be here for you.”
You are the one who inflicted the pain, then say “I am sorry for hurting you, I never wanted to inflict pain on you and if I could go back and change things, you know I would.”
Your time and attention to our adult children are valuable to them and for us. in this way our kids will feel valued, and appreciated. Having this heavy talk will be good for their healing of the trauma we bestowed on them.
Did we do this on purpose? No. of course not, we love them. I pray that is all that they needed to spill out of their system. Is done, I wanted healing, peace, and love most of all for each of my children. Now that they are adults. I really want them to be healthy as well. Unresolved trauma kills.
There is so much to be grateful for our children and grandchildren are a big part of the mind. I thank everyone who healed them and are keep company with them as well, as their spouses. All my children are married. I pray they are happy.
Manny blessing and happiness to all.