Month: October 2020

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Trauma and My Kids

I was thinking the other day, how many of us are there, that have lived adverse lives. Not until I was really thinking of how we are affected by our traumas and how it has affected our lives, I saw a very extremely skinny, pretty young lady, in her early 20s. It reminded me about my trauma and my kids.

As she smiled, I saw she had only one front tooth. She had a very worn-out face.  I had been studying up to give a talk on how trauma affects our young. I decided to mention her, thinking, “what kind of pain has this little girl been suffering?” It turned out she was looking for her mom.

It just happened, her mom was visiting neighbors and was assisting with some home repairs and doing a good job, I might add.   When I saw her mom, she looked just like her. They were both very skinny and looked like they could use some good dental work. It was so sad that her mom was also using. What had happened here?

When we suffer from trauma ourselves, what can our children expect? Sometimes as parents, we are not good examples ourselves. I wanted to provide some advice to them, phone numbers, people to talk to. But I did not feel very comfortable with offering anything. So I just send them the white light of protection. I felt so bad. I prayed for them and sent positive energy, thinking this was the best I could do.

While I was thinking of them, I had a flashback. I would place a quarter in my oldest little girl’s pant pockets when I would wash her clothes, because on some evenings when I would get a feeling that my husband was going to come home drunk. When he was drunk, I knew I was going to get a beating.

I always would get a feeling that he was going to drink that day, just by the way he walked out the door. I was so well trained or something inside me, “just knew.”  I was very devoted to my church. I was very Religious’ back then. I was always told, “God hated a divorce”. What was I to do? Let him kill me and my kids?” I later quit that religion.

Anyway, that night, sure enough, my husband came home drunk. I told the children if they heard us fighting to escape out the window, and run to the neighbors. I told the oldest (who had the quarter in the pocket) to leave the kids with the neighbor and call the police.  I had hidden all the knives early that evening. He had already tried to slice my breast off at one time and I did not want to take any chances with the knives on the counter.

My poor kids. I thank Our Heavenly Father for his protection on that evening and for all the other times. I did get out of that marriage.  I am now learning all about how traumas affect children. God works in mysterious ways; my precious children were some of the strong ones. It brings tears to my eyes while escaping and we were all scared and crying.

I looked in the back seat and my 3-year-old son had his eyes closed and I asked him “Why are your eyes closed?” He answered, “I am praying to Jehovah to protect us mammy”… “Of course, HE did.”  Oh…brings tears to my eyes!

I take a closer look at children, now.

I was at the store a couple of years ago. I saw this lady walking and pushing a baby cart. I looked at this child and saw a very cute baby like maybe one year old. I bent down to say “hello,” and he had the coldest still look in his eyes. He did not look at me or smile, just like he was not here on this earth. Gave me the chills.

Mom was pregnant again. Next to her was a young man. He said he was excited about this baby coming soon. Mom had this weird look on her face.  Didn’t know her name, or his, to just have someone like the police or someone perform a “welfare check” on that child. All I could do was to pray and surround this child with the white light of the Holy Spirit. What could you have done?

I pray for all the children in the whole world. The children are all safe in my heart…my heart will keep them safe and my heart and prayers will go on and on.. and…

 

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What Are ACEs?

Finally, in 1998 someone decided to make an assessment test. This test was developed at the Center on the Developing Child at the Harvard University.  It has been implemented in many areas to use for screening on children and adults.

I learned that many therapists, phycologists, mental health counselors, life coaches, and anyone who wanted to help anyone, who had suffered a trauma in childhood and because of it, had changed their lives. These people were probably drawn to help others because they, themselves suffered the same kind of abuse or trauma.

Helping others to heal was and always will be the main reason you would want to do something about a severe problem that affected yourself or someone you love and care about.

Nadine H. Burke, a pediatrician M.D. saw evidence in her Center for Youth Wellness in San Francisco and wrote a book called “The Deep Well”. In that book she explains, the assessment test.

Depending on the score you can recognize that a child or person might have been producing unhealthy reserves of stress hormones.  Too much of this hormone in a child can do so much damage to the body. At a young age, this could trigger many illnesses and dysfunctional episodes in life. It can than result in many problems as you come to adulthood.

What are ACEs?

Adverse Childhood Experiences.

Screenings in which the California Surgeon General started implementing that many care givers, mental health providers, and those in a position to assist with helping victims of trauma, receive training guided by Dr. Burke, to use the ACE screenings and how to read them.  We are all effected by this.

The more ACEs a child experiences, the more likely he/she will suffer from things like diabetes, poor academic achievement, heart disease, some sort of substance abuse, and jail, or prison time.

Experiencing a frequent number of ACEs, things like stress from any routine task such as simple daily decision making, even as rudimentary as “What should I wear to work today?” Especially, if you work at a place where you have to be presentable, talk to people, or deal with people’s money.  Like work at a coffee kiosk, flower shop, gas station register, or other working environments where you could be triggered by anything (which most likely would not make sense to anyone else) that could throw you into severe “toxic stress”. This type of excessive activation of stress to the nervous system can lead to long lasting wear and tear on the brain and especially the body.

Today! How about the coronavirus? COVID 19 is a virus/illness that effects the lungs. It can spread from person to person and can be picked up from touching contaminating surfaces. That is why people should wash their hands as often as possible. Especially when getting home. Our children don’t always wash their hands. I have seen parents not wearing masks, taking their children to grocery stores, kids putting their fingers into their mouths, etc. How is it effecting our children?

As we talk about trauma and its effect on our children? Right now, some children do not have much to eat. Some schools are in their kitchens making breakfast, for kids to come in pick up the food and take it home to eat. Some buses are going to rural areas and delivering lunches. I know this because my daughter works for a school district and makes sure the buses are running on time.

But what happens when mom or dad can’t work due to the virus?  Because the virus spreads so quickly, children are stuck at home, they miss their friends, and they should not go outside to play.

Many places are banned at this time, like places of worship, workplaces are closed, children cannot go to school (that’s understandable, a very unsanitary environment). Some adults can’t go to work.

These changes are very stressful for the family as a whole.

I am afraid for the children. How is this new situation affecting them? Who is going to help? That’s why it is important for us to learn about trauma and what we can do about it.

Traumas are often repeated through families and when we address and treat them, we can break the inter-generational cycle. How powerful is that?

 

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What should I call it? Trauma?  PTSD? ADHD?

This subject is a hard subject for many of us who have suffered trauma as a child and as an adult as well. Do the pain and suffering ever stop? Yes, somewhat. But there are times when something or someone will trigger a flashback and if you are not used to dismissing the emotion of it. It could ruin an otherwise happy moment.

I was with a friend having a fun time, but the way he took off his belt from his waist, sent me back to an abusive spouse. My friend was just been playful.  I tried not to let it ruin the fun. I kept it inside and tried to dismiss it and reminded myself inside me, that “I am in a safe place and I am no longer in danger.…”

While the mind tries to forget, the survival part of the brain continues to send signals to the body that it is under a threat. When survivors blow up at a boyfriend or freeze in fear when someone disagrees with them, they rarely realize that these “irrational” reactions are triggered by imprints of a horrifying event from the past.

It’s virtually impossible to revisit those experiences without also reliving the terror and helplessness that accompanied them. Like with the smell of a certain cigarette. I can tell if it is a Camel cigarette brand or not, but most of the time it is a Camel brand. Other cigarette brands don’t get my attention. A little child crying by himself or herself in a corner triggers me. I want to run to them and save them from the monster who is hurting them. What can I do?

Most of us require assistance to feel safe enough to explore those events without also reliving the terror or horror, to truly put our experience in perspective and that ordeal belongs to the past.

If you can safely revisit them you can recognize that we were too small, scared, or powerless to protect ourselves.  Then you can not only heal yourself but take care of the wounded parts of yourself.  By talking to those wounded parts and explaining to them that now “you are in a safe place”. Talking to your inner child who suffered that pain, and telling your inner child she/he “is no longer in danger”.

Go to an experienced Clinical Hypnotherapist who understands what you are going through, or someone like a Shaman, Curandera/healer. They could help too.

I understand now, how trauma interferes with relationships, and friends after you have survived all this.  I would love to help others to heal as well.

Continue to understand that subconsciously and not understanding why you’ve reacted to something like you did, was because of something that happened to you that has changed you to someone you really do not recognize yourself!

Remember, “you are not alone!”

As an adult now, I have volunteered my services by working with children from 5 years old to 18 years of age. I have been volunteering for the past 15 and some years now. Showing children, both girls, and boys, “We will be OK and you are not alone.”

For more information on how you can help a child or get help. Located in Washington State. You can get on the Web and type onto {campvictoryforchildren.org) or call 360-791-7566 ask for Andera, Camp Victory Director.

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Is there such thing as being born with trauma?

Let’s see, how could this happen? Well, there could be, like in my case, a very violent and neglectful father, who got my mother pregnant and was forced by my grandfather to marry my mother in a real-life “shotgun marriage.”  As my mother told me this story, she later loved my father and had eight more children from him. I say she loved him because she put up with his drinking, beatings, and cheatings in their marriage. I, being one of the older ones, remember a lot of the unfortunate times.

One of my siblings was having a hard time in her life and said she went through a past life regression at her church and relived her life as in our mother’s womb.  She remembered, our Mom crying a lot. She was in pain and very sad. Suddenly, my sibling started crying uncontrollably and was awakened out of hypnosis. As she related this story to me, I did recall my Mother telling me horrifying stories about my fathers’ abuse. But, yet I remember my Mother being a strong woman. She had children whom she loved more than life. I remember my Mother telling us she wanted more for her children. She died at an early age of 52 years old from a car accident, that only my father survived. (Just our luck.)

I felt I was born with trauma along with some of my other siblings. Hearing and witnessing my father viciously assaulting my Mother, the effect of the stress and our terrified mother suffering while pregnant, her hormones secreted past thru her umbilical cord to her terrified unborn children. All this is passed on to the unborn child.

I was talking to one of my brothers and he stated I was born “mean” and” heartless” since I was a little girl. I remember I was always angry, scared of being separated from my Mom.  I hated my brothers and sisters.

I asked my Mom, “Why did you have so many kids?” Mom said, “You were all a gift from God”. Now at my age, I know what happened, no need to blame God… Imagine hearing your father constantly yelling “What! Another useless girl! And later Raping this little girl, at age of 5, “because that’s all they are good for!”

I made bad choices in marrying the same kind of men as my father, repeatedly. Later, I woke up and wanted something more for myself and my children. I could have winded up on drugs, mentally ill, or in jail, or prison.  Believe me, I still have issues and am trying to work through them. Trauma is something that is with you whether you know it or not. It attacks you and those you love. Checking on yourself is a 24/7 job. It is not easy.

Trauma… (sigh…) Today, I have worked with the chronic mentally ill for over 23 years and gathering information, pieces of training, and experiences in healing.  I also volunteer at an all-girls program for sexually molested girls from the age of 5 to 18 called Camp Victory.

If you want more information about how you can help or volunteer can be found at “campvitoryforchildren.org”

You, empowered to help others is a good way to “survive” and help other victims cope and have hope for a better life.

 

 

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Its Not You Its Trauma

How does trauma affect you? Unfortunately, it affects your life’s decisions. Knowingly and sub-conscionably. After a life-changing severe trauma, it doesn’t only change your life, it also changes your body, re-shapes your cells.  If that isn’t enough, it damages and alters our mindset, how can we tell if we are making the right decisions in picking the right relationship? Sometimes we make the same mistakes repeatedly. When trying to heal, do not linger with the symptoms of your experiences with trauma which include preventing you from doing what is your regular daily activities.

It’s a problem when being stuck in a state of panic, procrastination, or depression. But thanks to new research and treatment strategies, it is more possible than ever to emerge from this darkness.

Many therapists and as an Olympian Life Coach, I had noticed a pattern of behavior in some of my clients. I realized after many years of working with them and trying to help others, that most everyone had gone through an experience that kept them from moving forward.

When I asked why, these clients, most of them, had something in common, something very bad had to happen to them.  They could not achieve their goals or keep a job, they would start a job and within a short time span, they would quit or lose that job. They did give me many excuses, “they did not like me”, “I did not like them”. “I could not get them to understand how I felt”, “I called them names, so they fired me.”

Trauma not only affects our brains and ability to function, but it also affects our emotions. Trauma has even embedded itself in our bodies. We slouch, some of us walk with our heads down, heavy stressful moments can affect our nervous system, and we can react with extreme anxiety, or feel like we cannot breathe. Trauma not only clings to us but it makes us feel impaired, sometimes permanently, unable to process what is going on around us, feeling different, and not understanding why.

Is there healing from all that darkness? Each of us has a different way of dealing with life. I believe it is how we were raised. What kind of childhood did you have? Hard knocks teach us at a young age, how to cope with what was been handed to us. A popular phrase is “if all you get is lemons, make lemonade”!

What worked for me just might not work for you. I was raised in what westerners call a dysfunctional family with an alcoholic father. So, I was around a lot of arguments and violence. I felt as I was growing up, this was just a normal way of life. My mom always encouraged us (a large family of 14) to do better and make a better life for ourselves. She always said, “I don’t want you to end up, like me.” She was always giving us good advice. I now wished I would have listened more and applied what safety suggestions she offered. My mom knew best what she really did not want us to wind up with. Now I wished I would’ve listened.

Different people make different choices, especially if you do not know what has caused this bad behavior, especially when before all the trauma, you were achieving many things. What happened? Seeing a therapist, a psychologist, or a psychiatrist could help, unfortunately, they may want to get you on some medication, that might help or just slow your brain down. That is something to think about. I feel the best way is to heal without meds. But really the decision is up to the individual.

Healing could come from talking about your experience with others who have overcome the trauma, and some do. The trauma never goes away, but you learn to live around it, disabling its power over you and your life. There are now many different types of support groups out there. Do some research on the Internet and look for what is right for you.

Taking the wires of your brain and re-routing them to re-connect through meditation, can reconnect you to a more active life. No longer being a victim to it. Not letting the trauma or that experience take the best of you.

 

 

 

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Welcome to Trauma-ties

Trauma-ties is my upcoming, groundbreaking book about trauma, how bad it can be, how it can cause a person to suffer over a lifetime, causing victims to get caught in endless cycles of abuse, and how many have taken their own lives in the process.

I also tell the story of hope. Hope for a better life, a better world, and an incredible future full of healthy happiness, free from the burden of trauma, and filled with light and love.

There is a transformative process that can help you make it to the other side, though it is not a one-size-fits-all or once-and-done process. It is a process that can take a lifetime, as you peel back each layer, like an onion, and defeat the monsters who lurk in the shadows of your life.

If you are active in the therapeutic sciences, or if you are a victim of abusive trauma who is making your way to a healthy life of love and joy, you may be interested in becoming a Certified Trauma Advisor, as a way to give back and help others, like us. 

This work saves lives.

Rosa M Luna