Author: Rosa M Luna

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Does Yelling Affect Our Children Later in Life?

Who has not yelled at their kids? Does Yelling Affect Our Children later in Life? Raise your hands! I know I have. Does this traumatize your children? According to ACEs (adverse childhood experiences), it does. When my children were little, I’d yell and they would start crying. You would think I slapped them or something…

Do you remember when your mom yelled at you? I do.

I knew I was in trouble. My mom did not have the patience to yell. She would grab us by the hair and used our hair as a steering wheel and directed us to what she wanted us to do. My poor mom had way too many kids. Starting with me, to the 7 youngest. Taking care of the kids was everybody’s responsibility. Anyway, if moms yelled at their kids, they would cry even more. I have heard moms yelling at their kids all the time. In fact, I experimented.

One of my kids asked, “Mom, why are you always yelling at us?” O answered, “Because you guys don’t do as I ask if I don’t yell.” Sure enough, I had done laundry, and I asked the kids to come and put their clothes away. They were playing video games on the T.V., I thought they had not heard me.

I went into their room and asked them to get their clothes and to put them away. “In a minute, mom”.

30 minutes later, they were not in the laundry room to get their clothes. So, I had to yell at them. Did they come? Yes, they came running in.

I explained to them, “See how yelling works? Just talking to you kids doesn’t work.”  I probably got them used to me yelling at them. How sad was that?

What happens when you are yelling all the time?

Children will think you just don’t love them. Your kids will believe that you are mad at them all the time. “What did I do wrong, now?” I believe, children will get used to you yelling at them and it will be just another form of communication. Right?

I had a client who talked like she was yelling all the time or in a tone of voice like she was frustrated with you. When she came to me for another problem, I thought she was upset at me for something she did not apricate me saying to her. But as I started to understand her better, that was just her normal tone of voice.

My client complained about her co-workers not liking her. I could understand now what the problem was.  It was her tone of voice, as she appeared to be a very unhappy lady. Her children got the blunt of her angry, unsatisfied-with-life tone of voice. In our sessions, she’d use that tone of voice with me too.

We practiced changing that. Now she is more conscious of that tone and makes more of an effort to make audible adjustments. She said when she sees me, it triggers her to check in on herself. But I said to start with her children and her husband instead and had her husband remind her.   She didn’t like the way he’d correct her, so that did not always work. It was a look he’d give her, that worked.

Research has said that parental discipline, like yelling, can have a bigger impact on kids than we believe. We could be creating more emotional issues in the long run. If we start yelling at our kids it might make our kid’s behavior even worse. Sometimes it makes you think you have to yell more just to try to correct it. And the cycle continues.

Now, your kids start talking like their parent’s talk, using a harsh tone of voice and yelling at each other. You try to stop them, but they learned it from you. Now they have that bad and ugly habit. How are you going to change that? You have to be the example and admit you were wrong in talking/communicating with them in this way in the first place. Yes, it is your fault.

Children feel hurt, scared, or sad when their parents yell at them. This verbal abuse had the ability to cause deeper psychological issues that they carry into adulthood.

Yelling has the same symptoms as traumatic incidents. As adults, they could develop illness, depression, anxiety, and other symptoms that can lead to worsening behavior, destructive actions, like drug use, or bad choices in picking destructive relationships.

Our children are very special to very many of us. If you have been yelling at your children the change can happen. Especially if you know that your child can be traumatized and ill effects will be suffered in adulthood.

If you are suffering from anxiety and depression yourself, please get help. Sometimes, we hurt those we love the most. Talk to someone you trust or a mental health professional.

Try to ease your stress by listening to some positive relaxing music, take a break from your hectic environment. Have your husband fix dinner, have someone responsible watch the children for a few hours. Do what you must to relax and stop yelling at the children. Prayer, meditation, yoga, whatever it takes to keep children healthy.

God Bless you and give you courage and strength.

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Military, Children and Trauma

You might not need to imagine the stresses the children of military people go through.  It must be very devastating, the pain and worry they go through. I can only go by my relative’s painful stories. My sister, who died of cancer and a broken heart, had a son who went into the military just after high school. That was just about the time war broke out in Iran/Iraq.

My nephew and his cousin decided to enlist together. They were shipped out to Afghanistan. I can just imagine, what my poor sister was going through. Worried about her son. I remember my nephew saying, when he was in battle, it was like killing his own relatives. Some of them looked like they were his brother, Chuy, and his uncle, Isidro. This pretty much traumatized, my nephew.  “It felt like I was killing my own family.”

My nephew is now severely traumatized from his experiences in combat. My other nephew never made it back home. He was killed in combat.

I also worked with a co-worker who was in the military as well, I was to review, him, but meanwhile, he had to be deployed to war in Iraq, as well. He ran the facility like the military. He was a supervisor of a cleaning crew for our facility, using a whistle he’d gather up the crew, made up by some of our clients, part of a work-for-pay program used for experience in preparing them for work and a resume.

 

He controlled everyone with a whistle, “I want everyone here by 1600 hours”. He always used military time. When he left, I saw his itinerary that he had left behind and written it down for me.

He wrote down an hour-by-hour plan for his family at home as well. I could not believe he ran his home and his kids the same way as a military camp,  I wonder, how that worked out for him? He had four children and was in the process of adopting a black child. Secretly, I always worried about his adopted child.

Last I heard, my coworker, made it home safely, but he had a mental breakdown. But they saved his job for him. If he ever recovered, his job would be waiting for him.

Military children, sounded like they have it worse. They are constantly moving, leaving friends and relatives behind. Especially when dad has to go to other areas of the world. I had a girlfriend whose father was an important Army soldier and they had him move to Spain. She was born there and had dual citizenship.

When she came back into the United States, and ready to retire, she had to hire a lawyer, just to get her retirement, to get proof of her citizenship. Dad too ran the family like the military camp.

My friend told me stories, how dad did not want her to date others from those countries. She said she left the family at age 16 and came back to the states. She had a hard time getting information to prove her dad was assigned to Spain and was born there, but mom and dad were U.S. citizens.

How does all this affect the children?

Some want to follow in their parent’s footsteps. Others have a different idea of family happiness and do not want to do what their fathers did.  Worry the family like that.

It is hard enough if there is a war, but to move and leave all the friends and family. Statistics show that some of the family kids, especially the males in the family, become drug addicts or alcoholics. The trauma becomes too much.

Does the military teach you to speak with love?

How does it teach you, how to speak to your child, wife, people in general? I don’t think so.  There are harsh rules and regulations you should not bring home.

  • Military only- teach men and women, to become a person who has to survive if you are at war.
  • Military education and training- a process that intends to establish and improve military roles.
  • Recruit training, which makes use of various conditioning techniques.
  • To re-socialize trainees into the military system,
  • Ensure that they will obey all orders without hesitation.
  • Teach basic military skills.

Do these sound like family orientation roles?

Why, then do family men and women, believe a home should be run like this?

Because the military ingrains these rules into our men and women, so intensively, that it has to become an everyday regimen to survive a crisis for war. Understandably. But what does it have to do with having to raise a loving family? Two completely different roles.

Some military men and women get it, some don’t.

Of some of the clients I see, they share common characteristics.

You think that by now there would be help for fathers and mothers to get briefed by a physiologist or receive some form of family counseling before going home and re-trained for civilization outside the military life.

May God protect us at all times. With or without war times. May God forbid.

 

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Do You Have an Inner Child to Heal?

Healing your inner child? Does this sound weird to you? I know this could sound a little strange. But think about it when you were little did you not sometimes pretend you were like from outer space? You played games with other children your age. Did you ever pretend you were somebody else? Superman, wonder woman, part of the flintstones.

Of course, you did, it’s something like remembering your childhood. Or can you remember? We could take you back to a time when as a child, been happy. I remember being happy, playing with my dog. I remember loving that dog.

Sometimes, he wanted to play most of the time. I enjoyed playing with him. He would lay in the dirt and I would rub the dirt on his belly. I know he loved that, even though he did not say it in human language, but his tail would wag a lot and he would have a big smile on his face.

So, taking me back to those happy times, makes me happy. The inner child also holds the joy, innocence, and confidence, we once had remembers that time, remember when you wanted to climb that fun looking tree, and everyone thought you were going to fall, and you didn’t because you just felt like you were not going to fall.  That was confidence. and a good day.

Working with some of our inner child trauma is to try to bring up some of the things that traumatized us when we were small. Sometimes, it is best to discuss these memories, with a professional. Some of the memories could be too much for you to remember on your own.

Try talking to someone you trust. Especially if you just need to talk about what you are learning about your past. Or with someone, who was with you at that time, like a brother or sister, especially if they were not the tormentors.

Speak to your inner child

Seeking a therapist or Mental Health professional is always the best thing to do. Pick someone who has worked with people’s inner children and had good results.

It’s quite interesting when you try to get your inner child to converse with you. Your inner child might not trust you, so, talk to this child with respect and if this child can trust you, this child will talk to you.

Meditation is good for getting in touch with your inner child. Have patience, you will catch yourself remembering things you did as a kid. You could learn many things. Tell your inner child, not to worry about something you know now as an adult, turned out well. Sometimes, your inner child will appear without you really realizing it.

Write a letter to your inner child

Write down questions you may have or have the need to ask, write down how your Inner child felt as a child when certain trauma was happening. Write a letter to your inner child and explain to the child how you survived. Have the inner child write you a letter having an inner child go back to and cover each stage in your life.

How did the inner child feel at age one, or when the child started to walk and explore the world around him. Was he still confident? I suggest that when your inner child starts writing you, use your left hand.

In this way, you can physically see different handwriting. In its writings, you will actually feel your inner child’s words differently.  You just might feel silly doing this, but you will soon see how healing this is.

Please do not forget to talk to somebody, about this experience with someone you trust. Validate with a trusted friend, therapist, or mental health professional. For a breakthrough, you will need to bounce what happened off someone who can validate you.

You must understand that those repeated words in your mind that keep repeating the same negatives.  You must remember that those negative repeating words were placed there by those who cause your trauma as a child. Parents, teachers, bullies, or whoever it must have been.

Give yourself positive and loving confirmations;

  • Every day in every way, I am healing.
  • I will allow myself to be happy today.
  • I am healing every day.
  • Inner child, I am grateful you are in my life.
  • Sometimes, if I’m feeling sad, just thinking of you makes me feel better.
  • I am proud of the person I am/have become.
  • We have survived.
  • Inner child, we are a team you and me.
  • I love your laugh and your smile. (let’s see that again)
  • Nothing will stop me from loving you. (to inner child)
  • You are an important part of me.

You will be surprised by the outcome, the healing, of taking care of your inner child. Please allow your inner child to come out and play. To get to know who you really are now. Whom is part of you. It sounds silly, but it works, we all need this kind of healing in our lives. Healing our present with healing our past.

GOD bless and many healings to you.

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Parents fighting, cause children Trauma?

Who did not grow up without seeing your parents fighting? I wished none of us did see our parents arguing. Sometimes it got ugly. My father would beat my mom. I never heard my mother argue with my father or yell at him.  But I did witness him hitting her. Parents fighting, cause children Trauma?

When I first started going to school, we were told that here in the United State men could not beat women, it was against the law. I was told that in school. How amazing! That women had protection.

Well, the day came when I decided to use that “right.” To my surprise. The next thing, I knew, a police car was in front of our house. My father started to beat my mother. I got on the phone and called the police.

I wished there was a law against beating your kids back then. I have gotten the beating of my life, from my father. But it was worth it. My father did not go to jail, because my brothers saved his ass. He came back inside the house after the police drove off and like a big bear, asked who called the police!

Of course, all my siblings were afraid of him and all eight little fingers pointed at me. I got a beating from him. But it was worth it! saving my mom at least for that one day.

Does all this screw up a kid? Of course, it does, I grew up a very angry kid. Up to a very angry adult as well. I had a lot of healing to do after I grew up as an adult and after my kids were grown. (That’s another story).

As children, we, become hostile with other children, distraught, hopeless, again angry, we develop behavior problems at home and school. Sometimes, children do not sleep well. Sometimes, children who are raised in a conflicted environment, develop troubles forming healthy relationships, even sibling relationships go to an extreme. Been overly protective of becoming over-involved, distant, and disengaged.

All of this can cause trauma in our children and affect every inch of their lives. Developing serious illnesses when they are adults. More recent studies show that other physiological systems in our bodies are damaged as well. The autonomic nervous system helps us to respond to threats, which react to as our brakes that calm us.

Now as parents, we know how destructive conflicts can be. We avoid to think how it can affect our children, we forget how it was when we were children, how we felt when our parents fought.  I wish, there was someone to of reminded me how it felt when we were kids.

Sometimes, children get in the middle of the fights and they could get more damaged or physically hurt. As single parents, we must be very careful, with what is worth more, if not the health of our children. If we have girls in our family. We must be careful with what kind of partner we bring into our home.

I was very religious back then, I married someone from my church, thinking of a Christian man, someone who claimed to love God. I thought my girls were safe.  So, moms, please be very careful, who you bring home. Now and days, you will never know.

My world was always better when my little ones were in it. Sometimes we get together and reminisce. “I am sorry” “please forgive me..”  But we love each other even more. Many Blessings for that and to you.

 

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Inner Child Tantrum

Out of the blue, out of nowhere, I reacted, I think I could have stopped myself, but I didn’t. I was making myself a dress on my sewing machine, that did not get the stitch size I wanted, the needle also broke the thread, the bobbin was skipping stitches. I worked on this machine for more than an hour. All of a sudden, I felt this uncontrollable anger and frustration overcome me, that I picked up the sewing machine from the sewing table and through the sewing machine across the room. To my surprise, it did not break. You’d think I would have stopped there, right? Thanking God, it did not break. No, it frustrated me even more. I went to the drawer where I keep an extra hammer and finished breaking and smashing it.  Did I feel much better? Yes (at the moment).

But now I needed a new sewing machine. Did I understand why I did that? No, I am only 5 years old, why should I understand why I did that? Your inner child can pop out anytime, and can say things in a way that is really not how we wanted things to go. What I really should have done was “step… away… from the… machine!”

These reactions start to become our behaviors, our coping abilities, that we bring into our adulthood. These reactions become normal for us, but come across as an overreaction by others or a tantrum, a tizzy fit from an immature adult.

What happened to me to lose my temper like that? This is the part where you start looking into yourself. What else was happening to me at that age? Why am I so angry? How far into my past must I go? Should I talk to someone about this reaction? A therapist would be good.

I understand that a psychotherapist could be a good fit. Inner child therapy, called inner child work, focuses on this type of work. This is what I learned.

First, I had to acknowledge that mom did the best she knew how to raise me, with the experience she had and what she learned in her life. As I did with my children. Since my youth, I grew to be a strong individual, and my inner child found a safe place inside me. But when she feels threatened, frightened, or unsafe, she reacts defensively.  A developed survival reaction.

As I review the overreaction, there was no apparent threat to my life, but my inner child obviously demonstrated uncontrollable anger.

When we are young, it is hard to make sense out of what was happening to us during the abuse we suffer as a child. So, we find ways to bottle up those feelings of emotional trauma. Creating many emotions like anger, frustration, and feeling the injustice of many things, which I must investigate within myself by journaling memories that I remembered. Talking about what I remembered and talking to my therapist about it and how it made me feel.

My inner child is all about me. The innocent part of me, and all about my feelings. Now, it is about how together we can move on.  Together we can heal the injustices, the pain, and the hurts.

  • Bring together the child with the adult.
  • Give my inner child the space to have serious feelings and not shut them down.
  • By giving her love and taking care of her basic needs.
  • Communication without anger.
  • Remain true to me and my inner child during a stressful situation.
  • Self-honoring and setting boundaries (this could be hard).
  • Showing self-love and respect to each other.

I will give my inner child the love and acceptance she longs for and invite her to have an honored and safe place to stay in at this current time, where we can share our lives in harmony. A life where my inner child can feel safe, secure, and loved.

May God give us love and protection to both of us.

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Children Trauma and Nightmares

I hated to see children suffer from nightmares. I, too, had nightmares when I was little, some nightmares, I don’t remember some of them, but one does stand out to me, I remember being sick on top of it all. I actually played with my neighbor. In my nightmare, he was 5 inches tall and hopping all over me wanting to play.

I could not move my body. I was having trouble trying to scream. He would jump on me and vomit on me, and would not stop. I was trying to get him off of me but he appeared to be stronger and I could not get him off.

I would scream for help, but no one would come. I would tell my older siblings about what seemed so real to me. They would just laugh. These nightmares continued almost every night. I did not want to go to sleep.  I finally, was strong enough to tell this to my mom. My mom swept me with an egg and it went away. My mom was a curandera healer. She practiced magic.

I have a grandson who I felt was psychic. He was only 4 years old and would tell me things. One morning, He did not want me to leave him. I thought he was having one of those anxiety withdrawal symptoms. He tried to tell me not to get in my car. “Take mommy’s car!” and he’d cry when I would start to leave. I tried to explain to him “I have to go to work” and it was an hour and 15-minute drive.

I got in my car and 10 minutes into my drive I lost control of my car and wrecked. Was this what my grandson was trying to tell me? My car blew a tire and swerved into another lane and over a ditch and into a bank. I was not hurt and my car did not get a big dent, but I could not drive it. So, I called my daughter for a ride. A policeman stopped to help and called a tow truck to assist me.

My grandson would have nightmares as well. I just happened to be visiting. My daughter had confessed that he had been having trouble for weeks and did not want to go to bed by himself. She had taken him to the doctor. The doctor said to make him sleep gently but authoritatively, to make him go to sleep by himself. “He will grow out of these nightmares.” Yeah, and meanwhile he will get traumatized. Which can affect his health as an adult?

My grandson fought her “tooth and nail”. I laid down with him and he fell asleep so quickly, feeling safe. The poor little guy was exhausted.  After falling asleep, he woke up screaming and crying said something was scaring him. It was a giant blue dog. I saged his room and told him the smoke in the sage would make him disappear. My grandson was satisfied with that and fell asleep. My daughter saged regularly. Doing something about nightmares, like the sage ritual, is better than doing nothing at all, plus it worked!

I am not saying, “not to go to a doctor,” there could be some other medical factors involved. Medication could be the cause or the answer. They really don’t know what causes nightmares. If there has not been any trauma, like

  • Parents divorcing.
  • Parents fighting.
  • Bulling in school.
  • Is someone torturing him/her somehow? Like at school.
  • Someone is molesting him/her sexually.
  • Ask your child what is heshe afraid of?
  • What is making him/her so afraid?
  • Assure him/she is safe.
  • Hug him/her and cuddle. Let him/her know he/she is very loved.

But, if the doctor is just going to give the child sleeping pills, and says, “they will outgrow the nightmares,” it will be harder to get him out of the nightmare, due to the medication. Try a ritual of sage, wave feathers around him, and pray. Do something…  Poor Kid.

Definitely get a doctor involved when;

  • Your child’s nightmares start interfering with his daytime activities.
  • Feels too ill to go to school and play with his/her friends.
  • Your child’s nightmares have gotten overly and severely psychological.
  • Unexplained illnesses, or self-inflicted wounds.
  • A child hits his/herself.
  • Some bad trauma is happening if the child is wetting the bed.

Yes, my grandson’s nightmares stopped. He does not remember “the big blue dog” running after him down the hallway.

Here’s what you can do that your little one and they will love it. Make little messages or phrases that will make your child happy. Get on the internet and download “positive messages for kids” and you will get a list of little phrases to say to your child/children. It will be appreciated; you can also use them for your older kids and grandchildren as well.

Many blessings my friends. God bless.

 

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Bed Wetting Could Cause Trauma for Children

I was babysitting. I knew that bedwetting was an issue with one of the children. During dinner, one of the children said, “Michael is not supposed to have anything to drink during dinner.” I of course asked, “Why?” I wished I had not asked, it embarrassed Michael. “I was going to tell you when we would be by ourselves.

I don’t know why, but I wet the bed sometimes, at night. I am such a heavy sleeper. My mom believes my body can’t help it. I pee in my sleep.” The other kids laughed. Bed Wetting Could Cause Trauma for Children. Especially when been teased by others

I said, Stop! This is not a laughing matter. It could happen to anyone. I have that problem, too.”

“what do you do about it?” One of the children asked.

“I wear a diaper,” I responded. “So does Michael,” they laughed, again. I laughed too. I could see on Michael’s face; he was relieved and felt better about his situation.

I still believe that kids who wet the bed are because something traumatic was going on in their life at that time. I base this belief on my experience with children and my clients.  Maybe something emotional.  Some of my siblings used to wet the bed, as well. But now that I think about it, I felt it was because my father was abusive to them.

I also had a client whose father was sexually abusive to her and her other 3 sisters. My client remembers peeing the bed. Her other sisters did the same thing. I am stating some facts here. There could always be other medical reasons.

I am just saying a parent doesn’t have to be too terrible. But the father of the children, I was babysitting, used to tease his kids or bully them sometimes.

I later found out this was an issue with their mom. After I mentioned it to her, she was more concerned and talked to dad about it. He stopped teasing them and bullying them. He stated his dad use to do the same thing. He did not think about how he felt, of course, he did not like it when his dad did the same thing to him. He stopped doing that to his children.

Please do not shame or embarrass your child about bedwetting. Of course, you will get frustrated every time you have to change and wash the bedding, but, find out why. You could go to the doctor, find out if it is just that his bladder could be too small for his body. Maybe, your child is just a heavy sleeper and can’t wake himself up to go to the bathroom.

  • Ask your child if there is a feeling of urgency to urinate, during the day.
  • Ask Doctor questions about what’s the reason children wet the bed?
  • How much water should a child drink a day?
  • Will bedwetting be something my child outgrows?
  • There could be some medication or vitamins, that could be causing the bedwetting?
  • Ask Child if there have been any major stresses at school or home, or is somebody bulling him/or her, or threatening him/or her? Assure your child it’s ok to say who, they will not get in trouble.
  • Careful of how you respond to your child’s bedwetting.

The doctor could suggest some medication, for example, desmopressin, or oxybutynin, these medications suppress the urination, but the side effects are too severe. Read the side effects of all medications you give your child/children.

Children are so precious to us all. And their wellbeing should always be first on our list. Please, let’s listen to our children’s stories, sometimes, there could be a message in there for us.

May God bless our children and keep them safe.

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Child Trauma and Obesity

I had a client who has gained so much weight during his young life. Here, why? He was abandoned by his mom when he was 4 months old. His dad became mentally ill after his mother left. Leaving the baby to be raised by someone who was too ill to really take care of the baby. He was left with a babysitter who would place him in a dark closet when he was bad. Dad came to pick him up one day, a little early, and she brought him out of the closet. Dad never took him back there.

Dad did try the best that he could, but it was too hard for dad, who had to work to support himself and pay for babysitting the baby.

When the baby was 4 years old, dad could not afford to have a babysitter, and he worked the graveyard shift. He left my client at home by himself. He taught my client to dial 911 or his dad’s sister who lives a two-hour drive from their house, just in case my client, needed to talk to someone.

My client said he did call a time or two, when he got scared at night, thinking someone was outside his window. His auntie did make him feel better and he fell asleep with her on the line. He’d wake up and she was still there. Knowing that he felt safe.

My client said he felt hungry all the time. Now that he’s alone, he answered his own question of, “why?” He needed to fill his emptiness and depression. He filled it with food, playing games on the computer, and watching movies. This was his way out, to feed the loneliness. He stated he was not physically active. He knew this was one of the other reasons he would gain even more weight. He knew he had habits to change.

This is what we came up with.

  • As a child, he was abandoned by his mom. He needed and desired motherly love, which he noticed at school when moms would stay for a program, he wished he too could be held, hugged, and showed love by a mom. He never had that but desired it.
  • His father finally got better and was more affectionate to him. But dad, later met a lady, who had a nephew, who later, forcefully, sexually molested him.
  • My client felt that he was just eating his life away. He felt very happy when he could eat a large meal, he just ate whatever he wanted. Mainly, hamburgers and fries, after school meals. He could drink a liter of pop in one sitting.
  • My client suffered from bullying in school he stated kids made fun of his weight.
  • My client filled much of his emotional needs with food. He had already developed, type two diabetes, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and he was well on his way to developing cardiovascular disease.

Now, understanding his childhood trauma, he has lost 67 lbs. to this date but says he has to remember at times, not always, why he feels so hungry. He is finally feeling better about himself. He has more friends and better self-esteem.

His next goal is to find a girlfriend, get married, and start a family.

Many Blessing to my client and all those who have a problem with weight and that they heal from the emotional reasons why.

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Could Bedwetting Be a Problem?

I was babysitting. I knew that bedwetting was an issue with one of the children. During dinner one of the children said, “Michel is not supposed to have anything to drink during dinner.” I of course asked, “why?” I wished I had not asked, it embarrassed Michel. “I was going to tell you when we would be by ourselves.” “I don’t know why, but I wet the bed sometimes, at night. I am such a heavy sleeper, my mom believes, my body can’t help it, I pee in my sleep.” The other kids laughed.

I said,” Stop!” “This is not a laughing matter.”  “It could happen to anyone.  I have that problem too.” “what do you do about it.” One of the children asked. “I wear a diaper,” I responded. “So does Miquel,” they laughed, again, I laughed too. I could see on Miquel’s face; he was relieved and felt better about his situation.

I still believe that kids who wet the bedding is because of something traumatic was going on in their life at that time. I base this belief on my experience with children and my clients.  Maybe something emotional.  Some of my siblings use to wet the bed, as well. But now that I think about it, I felt it was because my father was abusive to them.

I also had a client whose father was sexually abusive to her and her other 3 sisters. My client remembers peeing the bed. Her other sisters did the same thing. I am stating some facts here. There could always be other medical reasons.

I am just saying a parent doesn’t have to be too terrible. But the father of the children, I was babysitting, used to tease his kids or bully them sometimes.

I later found out this was an issue with their mom, after I mentioned it to her, she was more concerned and talked to dad about it. He stopped teasing them and bullying them. He stated his dad use to do the same thing; he did not think about how he felt, of course, he did not like it, when his dad did the same- thing to him. He stopped doing that to his children.

Please do not shame or embarrass your child about bedwetting, of course, you will get frustrated every time you have to change and wash the bedding, but, find out why? You could go to the doctor, find out if its just that his bladder could be too small for his body. Maybe, your child is just a heavy sleeper and can’t wake himself up to go to the bathroom. The medical name for bedwetting is called Nocturnal Enuresis your doctor can better explain this.

  • Ask your child if there is a feeling of urgency to urinate, during the day.
  • Ask Doctor questions about what’s the reason children wet the bed?
  • How much water should a child drink a day?
  • Will bedwetting be something my child outgrows?
  • There could be some medication or vitamins, that could be causing the bedwetting?
  • Ask Child if there have been any major stresses at school or home, or is somebody bulling him/or her, or threatening him/or her? Assure your child it’s ok to say who, they will not get in trouble.
  • Careful of how you respond to your child’s bedwetting.

The doctor could suggest some medication, for example, desmopressin, or oxybutynin, these medications suppress the urination, but the side effects are too severe. Read the side effects of all medications you give your child/ children.

Children are so precious to us all. And their well being should always be first on our list. Please, Let’s listen to our children’s stories, sometimes, there could be a message for us.

May God bless our children and keep them safe.

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Child Trauma and Lying

An example of child trauma and lying.  It was the holidays and I was having dinner with my relatives. Everyone was invited and it was going to be a potluck dinner. People were arriving and as the door opened my son who was 6 years old, ran up to one of my relatives and said: “My mommy doesn’t like your food, it’s always bad.” I barked at him, “Mijo, that not true!” An example of child trauma and lying.

Have you ever had a child say something you wished he had not said? Or see something they should not have seen?  I wanted the ground to swallow me up at that moment.

Children often get in trouble for saying something they shouldn’t at the wrong time. Children are so innocent; they have not been destroyed by the social hypocrisy of life yet. So, their social, emotional, and thought reactions are still innocent and they are unashamedly very honest.

When playing, they giggle and laugh with joy, you can see their innocence in their playtime. They are happy, and if you hurt their feelings, they cry like you ripped their hearts out of their chest, which could make you cry, too.

When they cry, they come to you for comfort, love, and protection. They just want you to hold them, hug and “kiss their pain away.” And magically, they go off and play with a big smile. Sometimes, adults see this as annoying. It makes an adult feel like it is okay to lie to children, As children turn into adults, they too, start the cycle of lying. This is learned behavior because that was the example that was well taught and well learned.

Sometimes, as adults, we justify, and lying is sometimes, the easier strategy when you’re in a working environment. For example, you needed a report from work and the boss wanted to know if you were done with it? You tell him “yes,” but you will have to do more work on it to get it as he wants it. You were not truthful about the report.

Another, very popular one is the “do I look fat in this dress?” routine. Another reason is to save someone from hurting their feelings. What I am trying to say is, sometimes we do say a “little white lie”. But a lie is a “lie.” We may tell our kids to “Tell us the truth, don’t lie to me.”

But we are such hypocrites to survive in our lives. In this society and our environment and situational life sometimes we do what we feel like we have to do to live according to our living situation.

Sometimes lying is a better strategy as said earlier. In our society, as we grow up, we lie. We are dishonest with the IRS, and sadly, to some, it is the way of life. Lying is a survival skill.

Well, of course, our children grow up very confused, “but mom and dad, you lied too.”

Here’s another example, your child has been abused by a relative. The child is trying to tell you or an adult in his/her life. Will the adult take the child seriously? We don’t always think about it really, we are too busy with life.

If we do not listen, this could do some very bad damage and cause traumatic wounds leading to illness or diseases later in this child’s life as an adult. They could become addicted to alcohol and drugs due to the painful experiences and memories, that occurred during childhood.

Children learn from their parent’s behavior. As adults, we don’t have to be afraid, scared, or feel distrust from another person, if we rediscover who we really are.

What kind of human beings do we want to be? Do we want to be trustworthy to others and ourselves? Would we want to be treated with respect? Do you want to be around others, who value themselves as well?

It’s up to the parents to decide what kind of people we want our children to grow up and be.

Many blessings to all who care for their children.